"When I have..."
Last fall, one year ago, as I was wandering home one
day from my local LCBO (that just so happens to be the huge & beautiful
Summerhill location), I got to thinking about gratitude and presence.
As I walked up the long sloping hill of Yonge
street, between Alcorn Avenue and Balmoral, I reflected on what an amazing
stroll it was, through such a pleasant and welcoming neighbourhood. Not
only is the best wine-stop only an eight minute walk from my then new
apartment, but there is also an abundance of fancy foodie shops, grand
restaurants, superb home decor stores, and plenty of coffee houses nearby to
cozy up in for tea. My hot yoga studio is around the corner, there are
two grocery stores within a stone's throw, I can see the subway station from my
balcony, and I can walk to my workplace in under 25 minutes!
For the first time in all my years living in
Toronto, I felt one hundred and fifty percent completely and utterly happy about
where I resided. Not only did I declare my adoration for the 'hood, but I
really loved my new flat and all that I have furnished and designed within
it. Sure, at that point, there was still a lot I could have done to make
it "homier", but it was perfect as it was, and I loved it right then.
I have moved a total of 13 times in my 11 years in Toronto. Consistently,
I would move and then soon begin to long for something a wee bit better,
bigger, cooler....I figured that "only when I have" a better flat, my
life will be perfect. I had developed a bad case of the habitat
"when I have's".
That day I also consciously noted that I was really
into my job. Like, really. I have been plugging away at my
career in TV for years, and almost from day one I was already striving to do
the next thing. Once I got comfy in one role, I became unhappy, needed
change, got miserable, and looked for new work. Once I nailed that
perfect gig somewhere else, the cycle would begin again...get good, get sad,
get resentful, leave. Eventually I worked my way to the "top"
as far as I was concerned, as a director in live TV news at the ripe old age of
27. Pretty great, right? Well it didn't take long for my high about that position to wear off
either, and I quit that too.
It took my "phoenix years" rolling around
in 2010 to finally snap me out of it. After dabbling in various fields
outside of TV that year, and taking on only freelance and contract work for
most of the year following, I finally landed the role that saved me. In
September of 2011 I started a full time job that served me very well. I have
spent the last year going into work with a huge smile on my face every
day. Every. Single. Day. It has
been pretty great. I have loved it just fine, in the moment, as that
was what I had. In the moment. For the first time ever, I acknowledged the
greatness that was.
Now, this is not to say that weren’t a few
instances when I felt a tad restless in my role as it related to my other
business, MAP Wellness [www.meghanpearson.ca].
I had to reign in my mind-spin more than a few times when I (in the
words of my gal Gabby Bernstein [www.gabbyb.tv) “future-tripped” about the day
that I would leave TV fully and focus all of my time and energy on my true passions. Yes, I had a few hurry-up-and-get-there thoughts creep in on me to be sure. And, now
that I have officially resigned from that role, I can honestly say that I did
so not because I grew restless in it, but because I truly and
authentically GREW out of it. Being
present in my life really taught me what was truly important, and this time,
the decision was conscious, real, and inspired.
More on that to come in a later post…
I have lived for my "when I have's" for
thirty years. I have been in a perpetual state of anxiety about the
future. When I get those jeans, nab that boyfriend, lose those ten
pounds, learn that dance move...I will be happy...
I have always had this sinking feeling that I was
waiting for something. Something to happen, something to change,
something to make my life perfect. But my life IS perfect. I
have a life after all, and every single second is beautiful and precious
and needs to be acknowledged and given great attention.
Why am I choosing to write about this today if I
have already sorted all this out? Because I haven’t. As much as I try to practice detachment, as
much as I sit in mindful in-the-moment meditation, and as much as I spew
positive mantra after positive mantra, it can still be an ongoing battle within
to truly be in the now, happily. And I
also bring this to attention because it seems to be that more and more people I
know appear to be themselves getting lost in the future. Even some of the people that I once turned to
for guidance in navigating this emotional ego-driven universe inside my head
seem to have fallen into this trap.
So this is my reminder, to me and to you, to give
up the “when I have’s” and live with gratitude for what you have now, who you
are in the present, and why everything you know is just fine for you here. Happiness is always available within you, it
is merely a matter of perception.
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